I asked for some recommended reading on gentle discipline (GD)and got a few recommendations. How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, 1980 came up again and again from friends and on the Mothering.com message boards. There were a few caveats that it was a bit dated but was still worth reading.
After reading it and doing the exercises in the book, I have also asked Abram to read it. I think it should have been called How To Talk So People Will Listen & Listen So People Will Talk. It is very much a guide on effective communication. It is well organized (which I can't say about other recommended GD books I've started) and in addition to explanations of techniques, it includes cartoons (gotta love a book with pictures), exercises for reflection and practice of the new techniques, real life examples from the authors and from their workshop participants, and crib sheet of techniques in each chapter. I really like the crib sheets. I think it is helpful to have something to look back at and indicative of proper organization that the authors could include a very short summary of each chapter's key points.
Here is an outline of the book (for my own personal reference as well as your interest):
- Helping Children Deal With Their Feelings
Acknowledge their feelings with a word (oh, mmm, I see)
Give the feeling a name
Give the child wishes in fantasy (I wish we could always stay up late and have fun.)
- Engaging Cooperation
Give information
Say it with a word
Describe what you feel
Write a note
- Alternatives To Punishment
State your expectation
Show the child how to make ammends
Give the child a choice
Take action
Problem-solve (with your child)
- Encouraging Autonomy
Show respect for a child's struggle
Don't ask too many questions
Don't rush to answer questions
Encourage children to use sources outside the home
Don't take away hope
- Praise (I think what they describe should be called acknowledgment.)
Describe what you feel
Sum up the child's praiseworthy behavior with a word
- Freeing Children From Playing Roles
Put children in situations where they can see themselves differently
Let children overhear you say something positive about them
Model behavior you'd like to see
Be a storehouse for your child's special moments
When the child acts according to the old label, state your feelings and/or your
expectations
- Putting It All Together
3 comments:
Thanks for the review; I love knowing the gist of books without reading them. Another GREAT piece of advice is from the positive discipline team: don't try to control your child's (husband's) behaviour, only focus on your own response to it.
Anna goes through angry/frustrated days... and her tantrums usually stem from her being overtired. I've found that if I can get her relaxed by long cuddles or lots of books and colouring, I can get her to put words on her feelings. Sometimes I just can't, but often she says what's bothering her just before bed and I say in my head, "oh, so that's why..."
But at the time of crisis, I only get irrational/frustrating behaviour. It's my clue that things need to slow right down, and I need to focus totally on Anna. Some tickling helps too :-)
Thanks, Carolyn. That's some advice that is certainly a challenge. It's really hard to let go of the feeling of needing to be in control. So often, it is expected of us as parents, and if I choose to go out in society at all (which we must do if we are to get any fresh air or sunshine or food), I will feel pressure to control Owen's behavior. People just don't take kindly to children snatching things off their store shelves or my kid running headlong into theirs on the playground - both things Owen seems to enjoy. Sure he is readily engaged in productive activities sometimes, but lots of times he has ideas about what to do that are in direct opposition with what is acceptable. I try to arrange our home and plan our schedule to accommodate his needs, but we do have to interact with the greater world too. What's a mama to do?
M
Owen is at a pretty difficult age right now; while Anna has always had a lot of love and empathy for others, our wills have conflicted in different ways. For instance, she always wanted to wear short sleeves on freezing cold (snowy) days in the middle of winter. People were shocked when they saw the way she was dressed! I felt so guilty for not forcing her to wear a coat!
I also felt strongly that it was Anna's decision, it was my job to talk to her about her decision, and it was my job to help her deal with the consequences of being really cold. As a mum, I need to demonstrate and teach Anna "societal norms". I can force her to do things, or I can help her to learn how and why.
Yes, she puts on warm clothes now. Yes, she doesn't rip things off the shelf now (except at shoe shops). Yes, she eats lots of healthy food now. But she's almost 4 1/2! Maybe children learn norms faster in big family groups surrounded by grandmas with their gentle prodding, and older children who model appropriate behaviours. I think they need to hear a message many times many different ways to get it to sink in (just like me and calculus).
So, my general attitude is that I trust my friends and teachers and community members to re-enforce rules in a constructive way. I don't want to shelter Anna from the shop lady who gently reminds her that shoes belong on the shelf. Just like children shouldn't be overprotected from injury, they should also be given the space to make mistakes and learn their consequences. It is really hard to deal with the condescending stares, though.
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